I’ve had a few jobs in my time. During my teen years, I did the obligatory stint at a horrendous fast food place (coming home smelling like oil and cheese which the dog loved), babysitting, work at a high end bakery, and a bit of retail.
During my early to mid twenties, I’ve been a children’s minister, Lincraft Lady and a special needs teacher’s aide. Quite the variety. Some have been jobs to make ends meet whilst studying, others were jobs I enjoyed.
Needless to say, many employers have passed through my life. Some of course, were lovely and we are still friends to this day. Others, just drove me mental with silly requests and corner cutting.
However, I can safely say, I’ve never had an employer quite like the one I have now.
1. My  day can begin any time between the hours of 4 am and 7:30 am, and I am on call for every second of a 24 hour/7 day a week period.
2. My new employer does not give instructions clearly, instead, every day I have to try and interpret the babbling and hand flapping. After 6 months, I am slowly catching on to the phrases: “Mumumumum”, “Dadadadad”, and “Ummmmm”(dummy), however “BababababaBAAAAA” leaves me a little frantic as I try to decipher the correct meaning before a tantrum ensues.
3. I have been unofficially appointed as crisis manager in case of tantrums. Tantrums and tears happen when my employer is over tired, over stimulated, has dropped a spoon out of reach, or cannot get to the item of desire.
4. I am in charge of not only my own personal hygiene and grooming, but also that of my employer. Being in charge of her hygiene and cleanliness, often means that my own can be pushed aside, so hair can be unwashed for many days, eyebrows remain un-plucked, and shaving once a month is like mowing a lawn. (Last time I had to remove the  marquee and bridal party that had set up shop on my shins).
I shower with my employer, as she no longer fits into her bath. This includes washing her hair and body, with a good rinse.
Personal hygiene also includes refreshing nappies (my employer is not toilet trained) after they are laden with bowel goodies, and general maintenance of anything comes out of her face e.g. snot, vomit, tears etc.*I can safely say I have never bathed with a former employer, in case anyone was wondering (or is slightly repulsed).
5. My employer demands to be spoon fed, and if I do not go the appropriate speed, said spoon is taken off of me, and either a) jammed into mouth or b)thrown on the floor.
As well as cooking, and feeding, I also am requested to find time to do her laundry, change the cot sheets, mop up spills, wash the dishes, dust, and put away any objects that may present a choking hazard.
6. I am a chauffeur, taking my employer to play dates, escorting to parties, and out shopping (doubling as a personal shopper).
7. My employer enjoys being entertained, so I am somewhat of a unprofessional vaudeville show. My repertoire is an extensive list of cover songs e.g. “Big Red Car”- The Wiggles, “ Humpty Dumpty”- Mother Goose (she must have had a scribe as I doubt she could pick up a pen with webbed feet when writing prose), and “Watermelon”- Justine Clarke. I also interpretive dance upon request, and recite reels of nursery rhymes.
8. I am not paid a monetary wage by my dear little employer. In fact, I do it out of a deep, overpowering love for her. I do it for the smiles, the giggles, the cuddles, the chatter, and the cries when she just wants her mummy.
Yup. I think I’ve finally found the perfect job for me.
This article was written by Beck Hendropurnomo
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