My name is Rebecca, and as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety and depression.
I have always been very shy. I was so shy during school that I was often referred to as a loner, and had few friends. I was bullied a lot – mostly for my weight and for the fact I didn’t speak often. High school was hell for me, and, apart from a few friends who accepted me for who I was, it was awful. 
I struggled and still struggle with anxiety and that makes it hard for me to do ‘normal’ things like socialise.
Playgroups to me are like some kind of torture where I never seem to fit in, and suddenly that feeling of never being good enough comes back.
I also had quite a few family dramas that I was dealing with, and still deal with – deaths of loved ones, marriage breakdowns, alcohol and drug abuse problems, and domestic violence. As well as sexual abuse that I personally went through. I still don’t cope well thinking about or talking about it, but I am getting counselling now to work through it all, and face the demons!
I have always done my best to work hard. I shut out and locked up all my feelings of pain, mistrust and worthlessness. I thought I had put the abuse of my past to bed and battled on the best I could, but it seems that eventually these flashbacks and feelings all come back, no matter how hard I try to ignore them. Moving on and not let abusers ‘win.’
I feel like I should be so grateful for my life. I have a husband who I adore and who is so wonderful, and two amazing kids who I love more than life itself. But some days I just don’t cope, I can’t seem to find the happy I’m supposed to feel. I’m supposed to be this example to my children that I can’t seem to live up to.
I really want to be a good example for my kids.
I want to show them how amazing life is, and encourage them to try new things and meet new people. I don’t want my insecurities to hold them back. But it’s hard. Every day was a battle just to function, and I realised I couldn’t do it any more without help.
I started medication (anti-depressants) to help me to cope, to help my body’s hormone levels get back to normal and get back some of my happy. I had judgement on putting chemicals into my body, and I have battled with myself putting it off. But at the end of the day, a mum who can be there for them is better than a mum who can’t.
I have tried my best to be the mum they deserve, but I can only be me, and sometimes when I feel that what I can do isn’t enough, I need help with dealing with these feelings and getting my health on track.
I found once I had my medication sorted, I felt so much calmer and happier, and I wanted to do more. I had more energy and have re-started my Healthy Mummy journey, with more determination, motivation and support than I realised I had in me!
I am finding confidence in myself, and my abilities, and every day I am finding new ways to improve and move forward positively. I have found a love for exercise, and a release from negativity by getting out in the sunshine and going for a walk.
I wanted to share these feelings and thoughts, because surely I’m not the only one struggling! If anyone needs to talk or is struggling, please know you’re not alone, and there is a lot of help available. You just have to take the step and ask for help. It was harder to admit I wasn’t coping than it was to accept the help.
Love Rebecca x
Congratulations Rebecca for having the courage to ask for help. You inspire us with the positivity that you bring to your journey. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
If you are suffering from any kind of sexual abuse or domestic violence we strongly urge you to get in touch with RESPECT: The Australian Governments Violence Again Women.
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